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Every two weeks, I get a feeling of slight dread when I realize that it’s time to do Subcutaneous immunoglobulin therapy (SCIg). It sneaks up on me so fast and the thought of it is a low-key mood killer.
Don’t get me wrong, this treatment has literally saved my life and I am immensely grateful that I have the resources to receive it. Without Ig therapy, I wouldn’t have a way to build up an immune system against illness.
I do my infusion every other Wednesday night since I work a full-time job. When the time rolls around, sometimes I feel like my body just knows. I work during the day and then I use my time at night to do the infusion to make sure I get some good sleep before the following day of work. I want to make sure I have no plans and that I clear my mind of any other stress or work that I have to do.
But, although I am very grateful, I also want to be honest. Sometimes it sucks.
Here’s a pic of me doing my treatment, don’t I look thrilled!?
As the time approaches for my SCIg approaches, I sometimes have thoughts about my existence with this disease. So this is going to be the rest of my life? Is this routine forever?
I picture myself doing SCIg as the years go by, and it’s such a weird thing to think about.
I don’t feel like it.
I get done with work every other Wednesday, I sit down in front of my TV, and sometimes I think about how I just want to lay down and do nothing for the rest of the night.
I told myself I would write with extreme honesty so that other people don’t feel so alone. I have felt guilty about these thoughts for a while, but I’m starting to realize that feeling this way is okay – and I can’t control it!
But, I have to remind myself that I am doing this for my health and well-being. I am doing it so that I can live a great life full of happiness and freedom. When I started SCIg, I truly got my life back. The clouds over my head started to clear.
My feelings are always going to fluctuate, and regardless, I have to keep trudging along and doing what’s best for my health.
Even though treatments are good for us, we are allowed to feel upset about the process.
I dread my infusion because the process is long, I hate inserting needles and taking them out, and it’s overall something that is uncomfortable. Because I self-administer, I sometimes worry that I have done something wrong.
Luckily, these feelings of dread start to go away after I start my treatment. Once the needles are in and the pump is on, the hardest part is over. Then, I just get to relax (and maybe treat myself with some DoorDash).
In these moments, you have to remind yourself of something: you are SO strong. Even if you are down on yourself or feeling guilty, you know that you’re a fighter and that you are pushing yourself to get better. Your strength is what will help you get the life of your dreams. And you should be so proud of yourself.
Going with the flow.
A chronic illness is never a choice – it’s something that just happens to us. It’s an unexpected life change that can hit us hard.
With this unexpected life, I know that I just have to go with what comes to me. And right now, this is my life. This is my reality. And I’m going to keep riding the wave and supporting myself and believing in myself.
if you are dealing with dread over your treatments, it’s okay. You will keep being strong and you will keep seeing another day!