Mixed feelings about life with chronic illness: It’s okay to be happy and sad at the same time

If you are familiar with my posts, you know that I love to incorporate positivity into my life. I believe that it’s important to make constant efforts to improve my mental health and wellbeing. But, that doesn’t mean that some days aren’t hard. It is okay that having a chronic illness just sucks sometimes.

We’ve all experienced mixed feelings in our lives. Two things can be true at once. Whether it’s a new job, moving, a strained relationship, etc., there will be all kinds of emotions. We don’t have to restrict ourselves to just one.

Living with constant illness comes with highs and lows. Applaud yourself while you celebrate the highs, and make sure to take care of yourself when you experience the lows.

Chronic illness often comes with constant surprises

When I was diagnosed with CVID, I was shocked (to say the least). I had never heard of it, and I didn’t want to believe that something was so wrong with my body. The idea that I would have to rely on treatment for the rest of my life made my head spin.

For many, the first surprise is getting sick. And the next surprise is getting the diagnosis. From there, life can get pretty crazy.

Some days, I wake up feeling terrible. I sigh and think to myself “Here we go again.”

The second I feel a certain symptom, I know something bad is coming. I live in constant fear of sinus infections, colds, GI issues, and pretty much any contagious illness.

It’s especially tough when I have something fun coming up. I know myself, and I know that I will put on a brave face in front of others and try to push through a vacation or an event. But deep down, I am dying a little on the inside because I am constantly trying to act like nothing is happening.

The surprises never stop. That is what causes the rollercoaster. All I can do is just go with the flow and let it be. I can’t predict if I will feel well on my next vacation, but it won’t stop me from making really fun plans in my life and hoping for the best.

I’ve learned to treasure the good days

Chronic illness has actually taught me so many lessons about gratitude. When I feel good, it’s such a gift. Especially after long periods of feeling really sick.

I also really treasure when I make it through a tough procedure or test. When I was done with my bone marrow biopsy last March, I was SO proud of myself. I showed up, I did it, and I didn’t let my anxiety get the best of me.

A good day is an AMAZING day, and I am constantly pushing myself to understand how lucky I am in these moments.

It’s okay to have a feeling of sadness for yourself

The sadness of having a chronic health condition will always linger in a part of my mind. When I am extremely sick and tired, I tend to focus on my sadness and anger more. And that’s okay.

You can be angry. You can ask yourself why. You can feel bad for yourself. These are normal and valid feelings. It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person or that you’re not grateful for the good things in life. Allow yourself to just feel.

You can’t argue with your feelings. I always tell myself that when a thought first pops into my mind, it comes directly from me and my feelings. I don’t need to guilt myself for feeling down or upset.

However, I have the decision on how to act after that thought. I let myself be sad, and then I decide what to do next.

You can be happy, joyful, and grateful while also being sad, angry, and upset.

Remember that you are a human! These feelings will come and go, and you won’t be stuck in the sadness forever. Take all of your emotions as they come, and recognize and validate them!

Give yourself grace!

Here are some articles about handing emotions and mental health with chronic illness:

• Living with a chronic illness – dealing with feelings
• Understanding the Link Between Chronic Disease and Depression
• Battling the Stress of Living with Chronic Illness